Sunday, October 22, 2006

No Child Left Behind: The Game

So, there's about to be a "Left Behind" computer game. It looks totally awesome -- surely there will be some serious (but entirely spiritual and uplifting) kicking of Antichrist ass.

Conduct physical & spiritual warfare : using the power of prayer to strengthen your troops in combat and wield modern military weaponry throughout the game world.
The power of prayer! Totally uplilfting!

Recover ancient scriptures and witness spectacular Angelic and Demonic activity as a direct consequence of your choices.

I can witness activity as a result of my choices! Kewl! It's, like, just like a game, except I get to, like, witness! Awe-some!
Control more than 30 units types - from Prayer Warrior and Hellraiser to Spies, Special Forces and Battle Tanks!
Wow. War with people shooting prayers at each other! It sure ain't like Berserk Warrior, and that's the point, right? But what is this "Hellraiser," thing? Surely the forces of God don't, you know, raise hell?

Play multiplayer games as Tribulation Force or the AntiChrist's Global Community Peacekeepers with up to eight players via LAN or over the internet!

Wait a minute! Does this mean I can play the bad guys? WTF?

Well, let's see. Since it's not about pointless violence, which is why you lose spirit points for unnecessary killing, that would mean that as the bad guys, I would not engage in unnecessary killing if I wanted to win the game. But if I'm the bad guys, why am I not about killing anything that moves? Because I want to win them over? Fuck that. "Take my mark or I'll blow your Jesus-loving head off." I mean, that's not me; just if I were the bad guys. So I don't know. And how could the bad guys ever win when they're fighting against God? That seems wrong.

The trailer looks totally sweet, though, and scary as hell (well, almost). I sure know *I* don't want to be left behind. And with the help of this game, I can home school my children.

And then no child of mine will be left behind.

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